Doug's Dinner

The folks kicked me oot when I wis nae mair than a bairn. Canny say a blame them, they knew somethin' wis rang wae me fae the word go but things wurnae gaun well and, well, I bit the baby. I wisnae in ma right mind, the wee bastard wis just greetin' an' wailin' an' somethin' inside jist snapped so I took a chunk oot his wee arm. I always felt bad aboot that.

Tae be honest I didnae much mind it at first, it wis a nice summer an' there wis I, a young male in the prime of his life. I felt like I owned the entire scheme. People were generous seein' ma situation, I got plenty o' haund-oots, even crashed in a few houses for a wee while but I could never settle. I felt cooped up and bolted as soon as I could. I wisnae the only wan either, there wis Shane an' Ben an' Rex an' we'd spend the days runnin' the streets or hingin' aroon' in the back courts.

Sometimes we'd take a wee wander doon the park where we'd kick a baw aboot for hoors or knock golf baws aff the auld diddies at the pitch and putt. We'd laugh at aw the kids gaun tae school an' jist fuck aboot, jist the four of us. It wis brilliant. Big Carlo, who owned the chippie wid always gies a fish supper tae share, we thought we were livin' large, oor wee gang, we even called oorselves the Lords o' The Backcourts. We were chancers, cheeky bastards to be fair but we were never any harm, though some of the snooty buggers in the scheme thought we were trouble an' actively kept their kids away fae us, didnae bother us.

Occasionally we'd get hassle fae the authorities, maistly getting' a chase but it wis aw jist a laugh. It wis durin' aw this that we met up wae Caesar. Imagine bein' called Caesar in a housin' scheme? Preposterous eh? At first we aw thought he wis a bit of a prick, a wideboy, y'know? He wis a sturdy fucker, aw muscle, but he wis a smart wan tae. He kept himself tae himself at first but then wan day in the park he comes up tae us, aw cocky like an' asks us if we want tae help him wae a right laugh.

Ben tells him tae fuck off but I wanted tae hear more an' efter the two of them fronted fur a wee bit, things calmed doon and then Caesar tells us aboot the allotments. Some of the aulder schemies liked a bit of gardenin' an' the council provided them wae wee strips of land so they could get aw greenfingered and shite. It wis tucked in near the railway tracks. Caesar's idea wis tae go an' knock a lot of vegetables an' trash aw the flooers. I dunno, it sounds stupid noo but at the time is sounded like a great idea. He showed us how tae get in through a hole in the fence and boy did we go on a fuckin' rampage. By the end of the day we were mawkit, I ate a couple of cucumbers and some tomatoes but the others went tae toon, tearin' up aw the flooers and diggin' big holes in people's wee vegetable patches, it wis funny as fuck. The caretaker spotted us and chased us but we were aw too fast fur the auld guy and we shot the craw before he could get anywhere near us. Efter that nonsense Caesar wis wan o' the lads.

The dynamic changed efter that. Before Caesar joined us we were just young lads havin' a laugh but it soon became apparent that Caesar, like his daft name, was a natural born leader. As a said before he wis a big bastard an' cunning too, so it was only a matter of time before we all thought of him as being in charge. He wis good at it too, found us a nice squat, which we shared wae old Carmichael. The auld man wis as daft as a brush but good hertit an' never minded aw of us crashing wae him. I think he liked baith the company and security, tramps often get picked on by all sorts of shady fuckers. In turn he always made sure we had somethin' tae eat. Slim pickin's definitely but beggars canny be choosers, right?

Wan day, Caesar tells us he's heard there's some prick been actin' wide up Meikle Street, chasin' wee lassies an' jist bein' a right fuckin' nuisance. Meikle Street wisnae in the Scheme, it wis just up the main road a bit, but Caesar tells us that disnae matter, we're gaun. So go we did. Right away I had a bad feelin' aboot it. The place jist didnae smell right, if you know whit I mean, I wis apprehensive, but there wis five of us an' I didnae want tae appear like a right shitebag in front of the others. We took a donner right doon the street. Aboot hauf way doon it, were it crosses on tae McDermott Road, we spies this dobber fuckin' about wae a couple of his mates. We could tell he wisnae lookin' fur trouble but he had wan o' they mates, you know the wee fannies that always think they're hard cos they've goat their pals wae them an' start yappin' at the mooth? So this wee cunt starts gein' it laldy, pure shoutin' dugs abuse at us. Fuckin' Caesar jist charges right in an' starts growlin' at the lot of them an' the wee prick jist shites himself. His mate, that wan that Caesar telt us wis the problem, he starts tryin' tae calm things doon but Caesar's huvin' none of it. Walks right up tae him an' fuckin' bites the bastard right in the lug. They were offskie in seconds man, the lot of them, running away with their tails between their legs.

I wisnae too happy wae the way that turned oot, I felt we'd jist walked intae another gang's territory and fucked things up fur nae good reason. I expected there would be consequences and it wisnae long before there wis. We goat wind of it though, but the Meikle Street lads brought a whole fuckin' team doon on us an' there wis a pitched battle on the main road. Thing wis a whole host of other lads fae the scheme had goat wind of it too and so before ye know it there wis aboot twinty or so of us just gaun at it hammer and tongs, that wis until the boys in blue turned up wae sirens blarin', then we aw scattered. Rex hid goat slashed across his arm but apart fae that we gave those bastards a right doin'. It wid be a while before they'd come doon here an' try tae fuck wae us again. Still efter that rammy the authorities kept tryin' tae sort things oot an' the schemies started becomin' a bit standoffish. Even big Carlo telt us tae piss off when we turned up lookin' for free scran.

It wis cauld that autumn, dreekit as well as dismal. We spent mer time in the squat than oot on the streets, watched auld Carmichael blow all his cash on booze an' forget we even existed. We ended up so famished we started tae raid the bins of the local supermarket. Noo, I know nooadays that sort of shite is fashionable amongst eco-conscious tight middle-class twats but fur us it wis jist a matter of survival. Mind you, you should see the stuff those bastards bin, it could feed a starvin' fuckin' country. We had roast chickens, ducks, even fillet steaks wid you believe? The whole lot right doon oor necks. For a while we were laughin', bellies full an' dossin' the days away back at the squat. Course it was only a matter of time until some uncharitable bastard decided to put locks on those big bins and then we were back tae square one.

It started tae be a case of every man for himself. Ben, the lucky bastard got on friendly terms wae one of the young couples doon the road, they even gave him a place to crash, so he wis off. The rest of us found it hard though. We'd split up tae find food but as winter kicked in we found ourselves in a miserable fuckin' situation. We slept maist of the days away, gettin' hungrier and mere crabbit even started tae fight amongst ourselves.

It was aboot that time that Caesar came up wae his best idea yit. See aboot a mile and a half fae the scheme wis a workin' farm, Coo's and chickens. He suggested we go doon there, take a swatch tae see if we could lift anythin'. It wis either that or starve, so we agreed. We decided tae dae it at night though, when the farmer would be in his kip. So late wan wet an' moonless night we toddled doon tae the farm. The place was, fortunately, no' very secure. We jumped a wee fence and were in. It wis bigger than we thought but the animals were making a right racket so we followed the sound an' before you know it, we were up in this big barn. Inside were hunners of chickens gaun their dingers an' we were aboot tae steal a few when Caesar came up wae another idea. The chickens were fine but if we were smart we could kill a coo and take that, it would gie us plenty of meat. We thought it a bit risky but his thinkin' wis tae wait until they got oot tae graze in the mornin', find wan that wis on it's jack jones an' then do the deed.

We were half mad wae starvation at this point and so aw said aye. Thing is, despite them bein' docile beasts, it's nae mean feat tae bump off a coo without aw the tools they hiv in abattoirs. We didnae huv anything like that. We managed mind you, but it was an ugly scene an' the poor bastard suffered greatly an' by the time we were done we were aw caked in the beast's blood. Still we got oor fair share of meat from it an' thought to ourselves when that wis done we could go back for the chickens.

That wis a couple of days later, only this time wan of us must have tripped an alarm or somethin'. The farmer comes oot an' the fucker's goat a shooter, right? Big fuckin' shotgun, we shat ourselves, especially after the cunt fired it at us. We bolted. Luckily the mad bastard never hit any of us but that was that, back to empty bellies and cauld winter nights. It goat so bad that -an' I hate tae even remind mysel' how low we goat- that we started catchin' rats tae eat. I'm no proud of that but it kept us gaun' at least until it got so cold that the little fuckers started dyin' aff.

We started raidin' bins in the streets, roon the back closes anythin' we could jist to stay alive. We did, barely, which wis more than could be said fur auld Carmichael. We comes back to the squat wan night tae find him there, flat on the floor. At first I thought he'd passed oot fae the drink, but naw the poor auld sod had popped his clogs. That wis right depressin', he'd always been good tae us, loyal, y'know? Even big Caesar hid a greet aboot it, showed a side I'd never seen of him before. I guess he and Carmichael were closer than I'd guessed. At wan point he lay doon beside the auld man an' wis jist sobbin' for hoors. I'm no tryin' tae make mysel' look like some kind of hardman in comparison, I wis jist as upset as he wis, we aw were, none of us knew whit tae dae, we'd loast a good pal. I think we aw sat there fur two or three days mournin' Carmichael's passin' no even thinkin' aboot how hungry we were, but eventually the grief faded and the hunger returned. It was then that Caesar suggested we eat the auld man.

I know how that sounds, sick, right? I mean here wis an' auld bloke who'd looked after us at his own expense, who we loved like a brother and who'd never been anythin' but kind tae us. Nae fucker in their right mind would even consider that suggestion. Thing wis, none of us were in oor right minds. We were starvin', literally starvin', any of us could drap doon deid ourselves. It was freezin' ootside, there wisnae anywhere else we could go tae get fed, the authorities didnae gie a shite aboot us, so whit wis left?

By Christ, we did it. It was awful, terrible, horrible but for aw of that auld Carmichael wis the best food we'd had in weeks, plentiful too. We dined on him for a few days, until there was little left but bones, though we left his heid in tact, we wurnae monsters. I felt dreadful efter that, as if we'd done somethin' beyond the pale but, aw man, we were jist getting started.

A few days efter we were done wae him we had a spot of luck. We were aw sleepin' wan night when we got woken by someone tryin' tae enter the buildin'. Noo I was shitein' myself that it was gonny be the police, they'd take wan look at whit wis left of Carmichael and they're be hell tae pay. Caesar on the other hand saw an opportunity. In through the back door walk these two smackheids, a boy and a lassie, baith of them thinner than us. They were jist lookin' fur a place tae doss, like us, but they never had a chance. We were on them before they even registered whit wis happenin'.

They kept us fed for a week or so. Efter that we goat bolder. We stalked swing parks durin' the days and pubs at night, looking fur people who were alone, who we could pounce on, abduct and eat. We killed a wee lad doon by the river, an auld women an' her poodle who took a late night walk in the park. It wis just food tae us, we didnae think anythin' of it. We should've.

It wisnae too long before we got caught. The authorities had set a trap for us. We fell for it. None of them had the bottle tae come near any of us. Who would've had? We were mad beasts, caked in blood and ready tae kill, so a few neat shots from a tranquiliser dart and presto, the Lords of the Backcourt were banged up.

They put Caesar and Rex doon this mornin', took them oot their cages and away they went. Me an Shane are next. Funny innit? Human's spend their lives tryin' tae get nature back tae the way it wis before their interference chinged it aw, an yet as soon as their domesticated slave pets show a bit of the old wild nature, they shite themselves. Tae be fair, getting' pit doon is a blessin', it's a lot better than starvin' tae death. So nae regrets, well, wan. Remember I said I got chucked oot fur bitin' that baby, that I always felt bad aboot it? Well you're probably thinkin' I meant cos he wis an innocent, or cos it led to be getting' chucked oot right? Well my dear friend the truth is I felt bad aboot it no because of some moral position or self interest, I felt bad aboot it because his blood oan ma tongue wis somethin' else, it was really tasty and awoke somethin' in me. Somethin' deep an' primal which I denied fur so long. I suppressed it best I could but long before I ate the others, I wanted to eat that little fucker.